Last Night

Look well to this day, 

For it and it alone is life. 

In its brief course 

Lie all the essence of your existence:

The Glory of Growth 

The Satisfaction of Achievement 

The Splendor of Beauty

For yesterday is but a dream,

And tomorrow is but a vision. 

But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, 

And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Dont be proud of me.
Just know that I'm so sorry.

Nope.

This may just be my rebellious 18 year old ego talking, but
I NEVER WANT TO GET MARRIED. 
I'm serious. NEVER.
It just seems so ughhhhhhhhhhhh....
Being married means that every day for the rest of your life, you are gonna have to ask someone how their day was, and actually care, and actually listen.
Is that really a life you would choose for yourself? Not me.
It means that every time you have to leave the house, someone will ask you where you are going. And you actually have to tell them.
It means that you actually have to worry about someone else as much as yourself. You have to be willing to do absolutely anything for them, you cant have secrets anymore, and you have to... "talk".
You have to remember their birthdays and anniversaries, and actually buy stuff for them.
And you couldn't just go out and spend a ton of money with out talking about it first!
I mean, really. I do not see an upside.
And I am aspiring to bigger and better things than living with a ball and chain for the rest of eternity.

I only wish I had the courage to say this back when I was in Young Woman's, and we were making lists of our "ideal future companions"......

Camp WILD

A few years back... when I was 13, I went to Camp WILD... ahem, Wilderness Instruction and Leadership  Development.
            It was probably the best 2 weeks of my life, not because I'm a sucker for a good camping trip, or  because I love being in a place where you can easily go skinny dipping, but because of the people I met there.
I will never forget loading up in that big van at BYU with a bunch of misfits, and waving goodbye to my family as we headed off to good ol' Idaho. "I'm surrounded by idiots" was pretty much all I thought for the entire 11 hours of that drive. But somewhere between climbing the grand Teton, and successfully navigating our raft past "The Point of No Return", we became best friends.

We ran from bears and got scraped knees together. 
We laughed and cried and always slept with our sleeping bags in a tight little circle. 
We  used sticks as spatulas, and went skinny dipping whenever necessary. 
We hiked for 24 hours straight together, and swam in the "forever cursed" Allan Lake. 
We repelled off the side of mountains, and wrote our Wills in the sand. 
We hugged a lot, and threw rocks at each other even more. 
We brushed our teeth as a team by the light of the moon and ALWAYS sang "Wild Montana" before bed. 

These days I haven't really stayed in touch with my friends from Camp, but I learned a really important lesson when I was there.
I can make friends with anyone, ANYONE. And not just the "friendly, kind of, 'oh I tolerate them'" thing, like, LEGITIMATE FRIENDS. I hope I can always remember that lesson, cause if I never came to that realization, I would have missed out on knowing some really amazing people. 

Freshhh-Mannnnn

"And what have YOU gained from your freshman year in college?"


"Umm..... Truthfully? An empty bank account, a lot of free t-shirts and a new-found hatred of sharing a room with someone... thats about it." 

I keep flip-flopping between being overjoyed that I survived, and sad, that I spent the last 9 months mentally shooting everyone in the head, and hating my life while I sat in a dark room by myself all day.

Its sad, and yes, probably a little dramatic sounding. But now that its over and behind me, I'm done sugar-coating it. I'm done smiling and telling people that I "enjoy being at the U" or that "I get along with my roommate". 


Every decision I've ever made in my life has been mostly on emotion. I've always loved making huge decisions on a whim, and venturing into the great unknown, with no one at my side. That kind of stuff is my thing, and its always worked for me. And that's how I decided to go to school at the U. 
But this time has been the first where things didnt go well. They actually went pretty horribly, and because of that, I feel like life decisions are scary now, theyre something that I dont even want to think about. Because if even one of them were to turn out like my last one did, I dont think I could handle it. 

“There are hundreds of paths up the mountain, all leading to the same place, so it doesn’t matter which path you take. The only person wasting time is the one who runs around the mountain, telling everyone that his or her path is wrong.” ~Hindu proverb

Growing Up

Lately I've been trying hard to grow up.
I've been trying to act like the mature, level-headed, reliable, stable 18 yr. old adult that I am.
I mean, its about time, right? I'm already pretty much finished with my first year of college, and in 3 months I will be 19! I've been thinking that some serious growing up is in order.

But then, I was reunited with my old friend Carly.

Carly is my age, older than me by only 14 days. We graduated highschool at the same time, though from different schools. We met at work and instantly became inseparable friends.

However, I quit a while back and we kind of lost contact.
When I ran into her today I learned that she was pregnant with her second child, and due in June. Out of consideration for her daughter that was on the way, she decided to marry the father of her second baby. They were married in a very "last minute" ceremony, at a local church. Carly has been in and out of the hospital for the duration of the pregnancy. Because of her extremely petite body size, her body cant deal with the pregnancy very well.

It was great talking to Carly, and hearing from her after such a long time, but something was different. She seemed distant, and we didnt have that same connection we shared a while back. She told me that she was sad and angry that she had made the same mistake twice. And it went without saying, that Carly had to grow up, faster than anyone should ever have to.

It made me realize that I still have time, I still have freedom, I still have the option to do absolutley anything with my life. I still have time to make mistakes, to go crazy, to make dumb decisions, to experiment with things, to drive fast and take risks and do dangerous stuff and be spontaneous.

 I still have my youth, and growing up can come on its own time, but I have my whole entire life to be an adult, so, I dont think there is any rush.

Can You Feel The Love?

If any of you have ever wondered how I feel every time my roommate comes home, I have an answer for you.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDr0mPuyQc

Tonights Not the Night

Tonight is one of those nights, where you could pretty much just put my picture right next the dictionary definition of Poor College Student.
Tonight, after having both my debit cards rejected at the register, for the 4th time this year, and leaving the store embarrassed and empty handed, I had this for dinner.

(and ask me if I like tuna.....)

Then I went and sat here, because "she who shall not be named" was home, and listening to her shrill voice complain about life, just wasn't gonna happen tonight. 

I keep on telling myself, "just 3 more weeks, Leah! You can do it." But I don't want to do it, I want to rub my forehead against a cheese-grater, probably more than I wanna live up here anymore. 

Unfortunately, I AM a poor college student, so I couldn't even afford a cheese-grater. Even if I wanted one. 

Dear Journal

This is my journal.

I love my journal more than anything. This one little book contains every single secret I've ever had in my life. Every emotion I've experienced, every trial, every time that made me laugh is recorded in these pages. It holds every single thought that has ever crossed my mind since August 18th, 2011. 

The day I started this journal was the day I moved to Salt Lake. I wrote about leaving all my friends behind, leaving my job and my car and my family and about my water polo team reunion I went to the night before. 

I wrote about meeting my roommate, and hoping I would get along with her all year (HA!).

And I wrote about being scared to start college. 

Since that day, so many things have changed and I've documented every single thing that has happened in my life since then. 

I wrote about my first Frat Party... the one where I had to drag my roommates drunk boyfriend from Greek Row, all the way back up to Chapel Glen. 

I wrote about starting Water Polo, and how all the girls were so much better than I was. And our first tournament in Arizona. The one where I got food poisoning on the drive home, and had to spend the night in the hospital by myself. 

I've written about how madly in love I was, with those boys that will remain nameless.... And I wrote about how I had to get over them, and how much it SUCKED! (Still a little bitter...) 

I've basically written about every possible thing you could think of. And you could argue that this journal has been the one thing that has stuck with me during these past 8 months, but truly, I just love writing. 

And I must disagree with you, Alison DeLaurentis. Dying mysteriously, and leaving a beautiful corpse, isn't the only way to immortalize yourself. 

Looking Back

When I was 12 I thought I knew who I was. 
When I was 14 I thought I understood people.
When I was 16 I thought I knew how the world worked. 

Now, I'm 18.
And the only thing I know is that I was probably never right.