Deep Breath, Keep Going

Ignorance is definitely bliss. But, its still ignorance.
I spent the last few weeks missing those times when I really felt "alive".
But then, I got too much of it all at once, and not the good kind.

I'm so so glad this came at a time when I really know who I am, or else I don't know if I would be able to pull through.
But, I'm an adult now, and I'll take it like an adult.
At least thats what I keep telling myself.

So I've Stopped Eating

So I've stopped eating.
I haven't owned my own shampoo in 5 weeks.
I've run out of gas in the middle of state street TWICE.
I go to school full time, AND I work 30 hours a week.
I'm pretty sure Collections has me on speed dial.

Yet I still cant pay my bills. I just cant. I literally have 7 cents in my bank account. How is anyone else surviving?? I honestly don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I just needed to vent for a second.

Keep Going

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill 

Not The Emotion

I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 
I want to apologize to a lot of people.
I know I let you down.

Sorry for hitting that parking cone, and using your debit card.
I'm sorry for lying all the time.
Sorry I complain so much, and manipulate you.
I'm so sorry.  I just love you, even though I dont show it.

Sorry for being awkward, and never telling what I was thinking.
Sorry for being so scared.
I'm sorry for losing your earrings.
Sorry for turning my back on everything that used to be good, and expecting it to be waiting for me, when I was done experimenting.
I'm sorry for being a bad example.

I'm sorry for letting you down, when you instilled so much of your hope in me.
I'm so sorry for not living up to your expectations.
Sorry for not being more careful in such a fragile time.
I"m Sorry for running away when I was afraid.

In this time when everything is in the "in between" stage, I only wish I could have made better decisions, and not only do I hope that you can forgive me, I hope I can forgive myself.
I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 

My Job

For many unknown reasons, I have chosen a job, in which, at any one moment,  am single-handedly responsible for around 12000 lives.

And at this unnamed place of employment, in the event of an emergency, the job hierarchy shifts, and puts me at the very top, to deal with such an emergency, alone.
Only me. Me and my 18 year old, small, scared, self.
I've never really thought about what that is going to be like. And it didn't even really hit me until a few days ago.
I've always tried to be perceived as someone who is strong, someone who could fully take care of themselves, and handle anything, and I've never been one to admit my weaknesses, but for the sake of putting all the cards out on the table: I'm scared. 
I'm so so scared. And I'm worried I wont be able to handle it.
Just knowing that even the smallest of mistakes could mean the life or death of a living human being, is like no pressure I've ever experienced before.
I cant screw up. There is no place for error in this type of job.
And if I were to do something wrong, I would have to live the rest of my life knowing that I could have saved that person. They would still be walking around, breathing and talking and living.

What I do know, however, is that I'm good at what I do. And I AM strong. But being strong is easy when you live a cushy life and have never been faced with anything more traumatic than having a car without air conditioning.

Last Night

Look well to this day, 

For it and it alone is life. 

In its brief course 

Lie all the essence of your existence:

The Glory of Growth 

The Satisfaction of Achievement 

The Splendor of Beauty

For yesterday is but a dream,

And tomorrow is but a vision. 

But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, 

And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Dont be proud of me.
Just know that I'm so sorry.

Change

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore" - Christopher Columbus

Right now I feel like My life is in a constant state of change. Yet I'm always afraid to truly let go of the way my life was before.   I am scared to let things go, habits, people, things that used to be comfortable, and stable are now just things that are holding me back. 

I have big plans for my life, like BIG PLANS. But I know that reaching those dreams is never gonna happen if I still have one hand reaching for things that are familiar to me. 

I know what needs to be done for me to be successful, its just a really scary thought.

And like most things, easier said than done. 

A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for.  ~John A. Shedd

I'm Moving to India

I'm moving to Visakaputnam, India.
Not right away, but pretty soon.

Why, you ask? I can only answer, why not?

No one in my family has ever been to India before, I know absolutely nothing about the country, I don't know anyone who is coming along, and the only thing that is certain about this trip, is that I know I'm ready.

Here I am, about to leave on possibly the biggest adventure of my life, with absolutely no idea what is going to happen. 

I'll be living in a town whose natives only speak Telegu, which unfortunately was not offered at Timpview... 

I'm sure the culture shock is going to be rough at first, but here I am, staring into a big black hole of uncertainty, not knowing what to expect, and I couldn't be more excited.

That type of mystery has always attracted me, and I have never been one to turn down an adventure. So here I go. I guess the hardest part will be taking the first step off the cliff, and I can always just build my wings on the way down.

Happiest Years of Your Life?

I feel really really bad for the sad sap in this picture. 

And yes, technically, it is me. But at the same time, its not. 

This picture was taken the day I left for college. I was angry cause I was stressed out, we were running late, and my Mom was being waayyyyyy too happy. 

And sure, the girl in the picture is tanner than me, and probably a little bit skinnier, but I do not envy her in the least. Mostly because I'd rather die than repeat the last year of my life. 

I have grown so incredibly much since that day, but it has truly been a torturous 8 months. 

I remember my last night in Provo like it was yesterday. I remember where I was, who I was with, and exactly what I was doing. I remember saying goodbye to them, and trying so hard to hold onto those last perfect moments as they slipped through my fingers like sand. Along with everything else in my life. 

Leaving for school meant leaving my friends, family, job, school, team, home, car, everything. 

I turned my back on everything that was good in my life, and traded it for an empty bank account, a small little room on the 2nd floor of Chapel Glen, a roommate that I have to babysit 24/7, days full of studying in the dark and eating every meal alone, and having to deal with drunken tools on a weekly basis. 

And even though I'm not that far away from home, when I visit, things just aren't the same. Just because I've been stuck in a rut for the last 8 months doesn't mean that everyone else has stopped living their life, and is waiting around for me. 

People that I was so close to at the end of last summer, barely even know how to talk to me anymore. 

With roughly 6 weeks left of my freshman year in college, I can only pray that I have happier years than this.