Not My Idol

I think an important part of growing up is finding people who you want to be like. 
An even more important part though, I feel, is finding people you will NEVER want to be like. 
Seeing both ends of the spectrum is really important in finding who you are. 
The following are people I hope I never even resemble in any aspect.
Or, I would rather die than become like them. 

         1. Zooey Deschanel -mostly because of this quote:

“Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep…feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.”

Being tender is beautiful?? Come on woman, your making the rest of us look bad. When I grow up I don't want to be viewed as someone who is "beautifully sensitive", or is moved by a freakin' tea kettle, I wanna be known for being strong and intelligent and good at what I do. NOT my "vulnerable heart". 

        2. My Aunt - and because this is a public blog, I wont get specific as to which side of the fam, or the name of said person. 

My aunt is one of those moms who you can just tell has spent one too many days in the dark, only talking to her crying infant. I mean, she SUCKS at talking to anyone over the age of 3. And she has forgotten all about what normal adults talk about, because her topic of conversation are usually diaper rash and her child learning the words of his body parts.... Yeah. 

       3. Mitt Romney

Look at that face, whats not to hate? But really, he is so incredibly tied to his religion that he cant see any other point of view. He thinks that everyone who doesnt think exactly like him is wrong, he's brainwashed. That kind of narrow-mindedness will get you into some serious trouble, and keep you from going places in life. 

The Grass is Greener

Lately I've been thinking about people.
And I realized that I really don't care if people swear or drink or have sex or get tattoos or smoke or hate religion or get back-fat piercings.
All I really care about, is that they are a good person.
I know this kind of seems like common sense, but regrettably, I've lived most of my life with a very different mind set.
And I'd like to blame that on the fact that I grew up in Happy Valley Utah, or that I never knew anything different, but the truth is, I just never made an effort to believe otherwise.

But now, I really feel that as long as you are a good person, as long as you are kind and honest and understanding, as long as you stand up for what is right, or stand up for people that need your help, and as long as you can always put yourself in someone else's shoes, thats all that really matters to me.

Dont take me too seriously

Today I was thinking. A LOT. 

Most of it was about the juicy stuff that only my journal will ever know, but the rest was about what makes a boy, FREAKING HOT. 

Here we go:

• smart, as in, legitimately intelligent
• a really good driver, if he owns a motorcycle, that helps
• being really really funny
• athletic, golf and tennis DONT count
• knows how to tread water correctly... yeah, you read that right
• confident
• good teeth, and has mastered the art of the "you know you want me, smile"
• doesn't take rules too seriously
• adventurous, and willing to explore abandoned buildings with me
• good style, but not TOO good, or else things get femi
• hard worker, and driven
• being independently wealthy is always a plus...
• talented at everything he does
• good with kids, -which is weird cause I hate kids
• good laugh, like one of those deep manly laughs... I don't know... 
• SMART!... Did I say that.....? 

Thats not too much to live up to, right? Cause I mean, its this or 14 cats.... so ya know.

Not The Emotion

I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 
I want to apologize to a lot of people.
I know I let you down.

Sorry for hitting that parking cone, and using your debit card.
I'm sorry for lying all the time.
Sorry I complain so much, and manipulate you.
I'm so sorry.  I just love you, even though I dont show it.

Sorry for being awkward, and never telling what I was thinking.
Sorry for being so scared.
I'm sorry for losing your earrings.
Sorry for turning my back on everything that used to be good, and expecting it to be waiting for me, when I was done experimenting.
I'm sorry for being a bad example.

I'm sorry for letting you down, when you instilled so much of your hope in me.
I'm so sorry for not living up to your expectations.
Sorry for not being more careful in such a fragile time.
I"m Sorry for running away when I was afraid.

In this time when everything is in the "in between" stage, I only wish I could have made better decisions, and not only do I hope that you can forgive me, I hope I can forgive myself.
I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 

Camp WILD

A few years back... when I was 13, I went to Camp WILD... ahem, Wilderness Instruction and Leadership  Development.
            It was probably the best 2 weeks of my life, not because I'm a sucker for a good camping trip, or  because I love being in a place where you can easily go skinny dipping, but because of the people I met there.
I will never forget loading up in that big van at BYU with a bunch of misfits, and waving goodbye to my family as we headed off to good ol' Idaho. "I'm surrounded by idiots" was pretty much all I thought for the entire 11 hours of that drive. But somewhere between climbing the grand Teton, and successfully navigating our raft past "The Point of No Return", we became best friends.

We ran from bears and got scraped knees together. 
We laughed and cried and always slept with our sleeping bags in a tight little circle. 
We  used sticks as spatulas, and went skinny dipping whenever necessary. 
We hiked for 24 hours straight together, and swam in the "forever cursed" Allan Lake. 
We repelled off the side of mountains, and wrote our Wills in the sand. 
We hugged a lot, and threw rocks at each other even more. 
We brushed our teeth as a team by the light of the moon and ALWAYS sang "Wild Montana" before bed. 

These days I haven't really stayed in touch with my friends from Camp, but I learned a really important lesson when I was there.
I can make friends with anyone, ANYONE. And not just the "friendly, kind of, 'oh I tolerate them'" thing, like, LEGITIMATE FRIENDS. I hope I can always remember that lesson, cause if I never came to that realization, I would have missed out on knowing some really amazing people. 

People

I don't really like people. 
I say that I hate them, cause it makes my Dad laugh, but the truth is, I just don't particularly like them.

What I really like is being alone. I love it, being alone is when I feel best about myself, its when I can actually think about things, its when I can totally enjoy life, and its being alone that has helped me find out who I am as a person.

Being this way comes at a price though. I have very VERY few close relationships in my life. It takes years, and I mean YEARS for me to open up to someone. I'm ok with that though, I just look at it like I'm keeping things simple.

And sorry that I don't go out of my way to make small talk with a friend of a friend's boyfriend's friend, or that I have to pretend to put your number in my phone, at least 5 times, before I actually do.  I can just recognize when a relationship is actually gonna stick. And usually, they don't.

I prefer  things to be like that, because when I actually find someone that I like hanging around, its real. Like, really real. None of that fake laughing, fake smiling, pretending to be interested, awkward conversing stuff.

Skinny-Dipping... Whaaaa??

If you have not been skinny-dipping before, you have not lived.
I'm serious. There is absolutely nothing better in life, nothing more fun, more exhilarating, nothing that makes better stories than skinny dipping.

The first time I ever went was when I was 14 years old, at Camp WILD. I went with 2 of my friends, we were on the main fork of the salmon river. We had planned the ordeal in great detail, we lined up our sleeping bags on the beach right next to each other. We all enthusiastically participated in the campfire meeting that night, and we all went to bed as soon as we could.

We all lay silently in the sand, waiting for even the snorers to quiet down. When the time was right, not a word was said, we all just knew it was show time. We crawled out of our sleeping bags and walked up stream for about 5 minutes.
We were quietly giggling when we got there. But it was the kind of giggling you do when you HAVE to be quiet, so everything is 4 times funnier than normal.

We started counting down from 3, then 5, then about 20, but finally we summoned the courage to just "strip and run." Diving into that river was probably one of the highest points of my life. And it sounds cheesy, but if you've never been, you cant understand it.

It was a full moon that night, and the water was just cool enough to give you goosebumps if you stood still for too long.
We swam around for about 20 minutes and then decided it was time to go back to our warm sleeping bags on the beach.
There were many times to follow, in lots of other rivers and the lake at girl's camp (yeah I'm bad), but that first time will always be the best.

And I should probably just end this post before I start bearing my testimony of how great it is to swim around naked in water.

Solitude

Tonight is the most beautiful night I've seen since last summer. 

It was the first time I've been able to go outside at night this year, and not start shivering, get goosebumps, or see my breathe in the freezing air.

Every smell I encountered on my short walk from my dorm to the HC reminded me of last summer. Every time the breeze would blow on my face I was hit with a tidal wave of memories. All good memories of course.

Its nights like these that make me want to go climb up on a roof or find a totally hidden place, and just sit there, all alone, and listen to the world. Moments like those are my favorite. 

Unfortunately, I live on campus with a million other college freshman, and being "alone" is virtually impossible. But I would definitely rather be hidden away in some place that I can fully enjoy this night, than in this tiny, cramped room, with a roommate that I obviously have such a great relationship with. 

Well Here Ya Go

"Michael O'Sullivan was my great friend. But I don't ever remember telling him that. The words that are spoken at a funeral are spoken too late for the man who is dead. What a wonderful thing it would be to visit your own funeral. To sit at the front and hear what was said, maybe say a few things yourself. Michael and I grew old together. But at times, when we laughed, we grew young. If he was here now, if he could hear what I say, I'd congratulate him on being a great man, and thank him for being a friend." -Waking Ned Divine

I've never been one to be particularly expressive, or communicate my emotions very well, so this quote has always hit home for me. 

If I did have the gift however, of telling people how I felt about them, (to their face at least) I would tell my family that I love them all more than anything (even water polo). I would thank them for always putting up with me, and teaching me so much about the real world. I would tell them that I could not have dreamed of a better family to be born into. 

I would tell my friends, Mary and Bekah, that I love them so much, and I would thank them for always being so patient and forgiving. I would thank them also for the years of crazy good times, and the countless occasions when we laughed till we cried... or threw up. I would tell them that I would not be the person I am today, without them in my life. And that I wouldn't have wanted to grow up with anyone other than them. 

Ode to Water Polo

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I love water polo more than anything else on this earth, more than any person or thing, more than food, more than air.

There are very few things that I am truly passionate about, but water polo is definitely on my list.

Words cant even describe the feeling I get when I dive into the water, and it only gets better from there.

There is absolutely nothing more satisfying than swimming until your muscles are about to explode, then beating the living daylight out of someone, nailing a spot-on shot, and then rejoicing to the smacking sound the ball makes when it hits the back of the cage. Everything about it is perfect.

There is no better feeling than the one I get when I am riding home from a game with my team, all crammed in some van or bus. Being so so tired, and sore, and having that sickly, yet satisfying stomach ache you get when you swallow way too much chlorine. Thats always when I'm at my happiest.

My first collegiate tournament

And even though I cant remember the last time there wasn't water in my ear, or a time when I didn't sweat chlorine, and my hair wasn't a tangled knot on the top of my head, I'll probably be religiously tied to water polo for the rest of my life. Its the most beautiful sport there is, and it just makes everything else in my life ok.

You Know the Kind.

I'm so glad I'm not one of THOSE girls. You know the kind.
Those girls that cry all the time, over big things or small things, over pain, or "bad days", anything.
Those girls that are clingy and needy and dependent, who don't know who they are, who have never gone more than a week without some guy at their side, or blowing up their inbox.
Those girls who say what they think everyone else wants to hear, and laugh just because everyone else laughs.
Those girls who need to vent, or talk about their feelings.
Those girls who start drama, who NEED drama, who cant stay out of drama if their life depended on it.
Those girls whose ultimate goal is to get married, who dream of their future husband day in and day out.
Those girls who cant leave the house without changing clothes 7 times, after putting on make up for 40 minutes.
Ya'll know the kind. And thank the Lord I am NOT one of them.