Dont take me too seriously

Today I was thinking. A LOT. 

Most of it was about the juicy stuff that only my journal will ever know, but the rest was about what makes a boy, FREAKING HOT. 

Here we go:

• smart, as in, legitimately intelligent
• a really good driver, if he owns a motorcycle, that helps
• being really really funny
• athletic, golf and tennis DONT count
• knows how to tread water correctly... yeah, you read that right
• confident
• good teeth, and has mastered the art of the "you know you want me, smile"
• doesn't take rules too seriously
• adventurous, and willing to explore abandoned buildings with me
• good style, but not TOO good, or else things get femi
• hard worker, and driven
• being independently wealthy is always a plus...
• talented at everything he does
• good with kids, -which is weird cause I hate kids
• good laugh, like one of those deep manly laughs... I don't know... 
• SMART!... Did I say that.....? 

Thats not too much to live up to, right? Cause I mean, its this or 14 cats.... so ya know.

Not The Emotion

I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 
I want to apologize to a lot of people.
I know I let you down.

Sorry for hitting that parking cone, and using your debit card.
I'm sorry for lying all the time.
Sorry I complain so much, and manipulate you.
I'm so sorry.  I just love you, even though I dont show it.

Sorry for being awkward, and never telling what I was thinking.
Sorry for being so scared.
I'm sorry for losing your earrings.
Sorry for turning my back on everything that used to be good, and expecting it to be waiting for me, when I was done experimenting.
I'm sorry for being a bad example.

I'm sorry for letting you down, when you instilled so much of your hope in me.
I'm so sorry for not living up to your expectations.
Sorry for not being more careful in such a fragile time.
I"m Sorry for running away when I was afraid.

In this time when everything is in the "in between" stage, I only wish I could have made better decisions, and not only do I hope that you can forgive me, I hope I can forgive myself.
I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 

My Job

For many unknown reasons, I have chosen a job, in which, at any one moment,  am single-handedly responsible for around 12000 lives.

And at this unnamed place of employment, in the event of an emergency, the job hierarchy shifts, and puts me at the very top, to deal with such an emergency, alone.
Only me. Me and my 18 year old, small, scared, self.
I've never really thought about what that is going to be like. And it didn't even really hit me until a few days ago.
I've always tried to be perceived as someone who is strong, someone who could fully take care of themselves, and handle anything, and I've never been one to admit my weaknesses, but for the sake of putting all the cards out on the table: I'm scared. 
I'm so so scared. And I'm worried I wont be able to handle it.
Just knowing that even the smallest of mistakes could mean the life or death of a living human being, is like no pressure I've ever experienced before.
I cant screw up. There is no place for error in this type of job.
And if I were to do something wrong, I would have to live the rest of my life knowing that I could have saved that person. They would still be walking around, breathing and talking and living.

What I do know, however, is that I'm good at what I do. And I AM strong. But being strong is easy when you live a cushy life and have never been faced with anything more traumatic than having a car without air conditioning.