Dont take me too seriously

Today I was thinking. A LOT. 

Most of it was about the juicy stuff that only my journal will ever know, but the rest was about what makes a boy, FREAKING HOT. 

Here we go:

• smart, as in, legitimately intelligent
• a really good driver, if he owns a motorcycle, that helps
• being really really funny
• athletic, golf and tennis DONT count
• knows how to tread water correctly... yeah, you read that right
• confident
• good teeth, and has mastered the art of the "you know you want me, smile"
• doesn't take rules too seriously
• adventurous, and willing to explore abandoned buildings with me
• good style, but not TOO good, or else things get femi
• hard worker, and driven
• being independently wealthy is always a plus...
• talented at everything he does
• good with kids, -which is weird cause I hate kids
• good laugh, like one of those deep manly laughs... I don't know... 
• SMART!... Did I say that.....? 

Thats not too much to live up to, right? Cause I mean, its this or 14 cats.... so ya know.

Not The Emotion

I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 
I want to apologize to a lot of people.
I know I let you down.

Sorry for hitting that parking cone, and using your debit card.
I'm sorry for lying all the time.
Sorry I complain so much, and manipulate you.
I'm so sorry.  I just love you, even though I dont show it.

Sorry for being awkward, and never telling what I was thinking.
Sorry for being so scared.
I'm sorry for losing your earrings.
Sorry for turning my back on everything that used to be good, and expecting it to be waiting for me, when I was done experimenting.
I'm sorry for being a bad example.

I'm sorry for letting you down, when you instilled so much of your hope in me.
I'm so sorry for not living up to your expectations.
Sorry for not being more careful in such a fragile time.
I"m Sorry for running away when I was afraid.

In this time when everything is in the "in between" stage, I only wish I could have made better decisions, and not only do I hope that you can forgive me, I hope I can forgive myself.
I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 

My Job

For many unknown reasons, I have chosen a job, in which, at any one moment,  am single-handedly responsible for around 12000 lives.

And at this unnamed place of employment, in the event of an emergency, the job hierarchy shifts, and puts me at the very top, to deal with such an emergency, alone.
Only me. Me and my 18 year old, small, scared, self.
I've never really thought about what that is going to be like. And it didn't even really hit me until a few days ago.
I've always tried to be perceived as someone who is strong, someone who could fully take care of themselves, and handle anything, and I've never been one to admit my weaknesses, but for the sake of putting all the cards out on the table: I'm scared. 
I'm so so scared. And I'm worried I wont be able to handle it.
Just knowing that even the smallest of mistakes could mean the life or death of a living human being, is like no pressure I've ever experienced before.
I cant screw up. There is no place for error in this type of job.
And if I were to do something wrong, I would have to live the rest of my life knowing that I could have saved that person. They would still be walking around, breathing and talking and living.

What I do know, however, is that I'm good at what I do. And I AM strong. But being strong is easy when you live a cushy life and have never been faced with anything more traumatic than having a car without air conditioning.

Last Night

Look well to this day, 

For it and it alone is life. 

In its brief course 

Lie all the essence of your existence:

The Glory of Growth 

The Satisfaction of Achievement 

The Splendor of Beauty

For yesterday is but a dream,

And tomorrow is but a vision. 

But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, 

And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Dont be proud of me.
Just know that I'm so sorry.

Nope.

This may just be my rebellious 18 year old ego talking, but
I NEVER WANT TO GET MARRIED. 
I'm serious. NEVER.
It just seems so ughhhhhhhhhhhh....
Being married means that every day for the rest of your life, you are gonna have to ask someone how their day was, and actually care, and actually listen.
Is that really a life you would choose for yourself? Not me.
It means that every time you have to leave the house, someone will ask you where you are going. And you actually have to tell them.
It means that you actually have to worry about someone else as much as yourself. You have to be willing to do absolutely anything for them, you cant have secrets anymore, and you have to... "talk".
You have to remember their birthdays and anniversaries, and actually buy stuff for them.
And you couldn't just go out and spend a ton of money with out talking about it first!
I mean, really. I do not see an upside.
And I am aspiring to bigger and better things than living with a ball and chain for the rest of eternity.

I only wish I had the courage to say this back when I was in Young Woman's, and we were making lists of our "ideal future companions"......

Camp WILD

A few years back... when I was 13, I went to Camp WILD... ahem, Wilderness Instruction and Leadership  Development.
            It was probably the best 2 weeks of my life, not because I'm a sucker for a good camping trip, or  because I love being in a place where you can easily go skinny dipping, but because of the people I met there.
I will never forget loading up in that big van at BYU with a bunch of misfits, and waving goodbye to my family as we headed off to good ol' Idaho. "I'm surrounded by idiots" was pretty much all I thought for the entire 11 hours of that drive. But somewhere between climbing the grand Teton, and successfully navigating our raft past "The Point of No Return", we became best friends.

We ran from bears and got scraped knees together. 
We laughed and cried and always slept with our sleeping bags in a tight little circle. 
We  used sticks as spatulas, and went skinny dipping whenever necessary. 
We hiked for 24 hours straight together, and swam in the "forever cursed" Allan Lake. 
We repelled off the side of mountains, and wrote our Wills in the sand. 
We hugged a lot, and threw rocks at each other even more. 
We brushed our teeth as a team by the light of the moon and ALWAYS sang "Wild Montana" before bed. 

These days I haven't really stayed in touch with my friends from Camp, but I learned a really important lesson when I was there.
I can make friends with anyone, ANYONE. And not just the "friendly, kind of, 'oh I tolerate them'" thing, like, LEGITIMATE FRIENDS. I hope I can always remember that lesson, cause if I never came to that realization, I would have missed out on knowing some really amazing people. 

Freshhh-Mannnnn

"And what have YOU gained from your freshman year in college?"


"Umm..... Truthfully? An empty bank account, a lot of free t-shirts and a new-found hatred of sharing a room with someone... thats about it." 

I keep flip-flopping between being overjoyed that I survived, and sad, that I spent the last 9 months mentally shooting everyone in the head, and hating my life while I sat in a dark room by myself all day.

Its sad, and yes, probably a little dramatic sounding. But now that its over and behind me, I'm done sugar-coating it. I'm done smiling and telling people that I "enjoy being at the U" or that "I get along with my roommate". 


Every decision I've ever made in my life has been mostly on emotion. I've always loved making huge decisions on a whim, and venturing into the great unknown, with no one at my side. That kind of stuff is my thing, and its always worked for me. And that's how I decided to go to school at the U. 
But this time has been the first where things didnt go well. They actually went pretty horribly, and because of that, I feel like life decisions are scary now, theyre something that I dont even want to think about. Because if even one of them were to turn out like my last one did, I dont think I could handle it. 

“There are hundreds of paths up the mountain, all leading to the same place, so it doesn’t matter which path you take. The only person wasting time is the one who runs around the mountain, telling everyone that his or her path is wrong.” ~Hindu proverb