Deep Breath, Keep Going

Ignorance is definitely bliss. But, its still ignorance.
I spent the last few weeks missing those times when I really felt "alive".
But then, I got too much of it all at once, and not the good kind.

I'm so so glad this came at a time when I really know who I am, or else I don't know if I would be able to pull through.
But, I'm an adult now, and I'll take it like an adult.
At least thats what I keep telling myself.

10 Weird Things

1.  I have a nervous habit where i write everything I hear down on my thumb with my pointer finger. It kind of looks like I'm just rubbing those two fingers together, but I'm actually writing. If you know me well enough, you've probably seen me doing it. 
2. I truly love emergencies. I fantasize about  saving lives. 
3.  I have weird chunks of time, about once a year, where I get addicted to cinnamon. I crave it, I put it on everything, its all I can think about. My life revolves around eating cinnamon. Its been happening for as long as I can remember. 
4.  Every time I turn the light off at night, I have to do it 5 or 6 times before I feel ok about it. 
5.  I've seen every episode ever made of The Office, and Malcolm in the Middle. And I highly recommend both by the way. Thanks Netflix.
6.  I've never seen Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, or any other  Disney cartoon from start to finish.  
7. 8. I hate people. 
8.  For as long as I can remember I've always slept with my head at the opposite end of the bed that people would normally think to sleep at. 
9.  I've been skinny dipping 8 different times, in 4 different rivers, the lake at Girls Camp, and my latest addition to the list: the wave pool at Seven Peaks. 
10.  One time I stole and candle from an art store that was going out of business. And I DONT regret it. 

So I've Stopped Eating

So I've stopped eating.
I haven't owned my own shampoo in 5 weeks.
I've run out of gas in the middle of state street TWICE.
I go to school full time, AND I work 30 hours a week.
I'm pretty sure Collections has me on speed dial.

Yet I still cant pay my bills. I just cant. I literally have 7 cents in my bank account. How is anyone else surviving?? I honestly don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I just needed to vent for a second.

All emotional pain lasts for 12 minutes.

Anything longer than that is self inflicted. 

I read once that if we can separate ourselves from our minds, and watch its craziness, from the outside looking in, then we are no longer prisoner to our own bodies. 

I try it all the time, but I have yet to be able think that way. 

Am I Alone, Here?

So, I don't really like music.
And its weird cause everyone I know is like "Oh my heck music is my life", etc.
And then here I am, I don't know any bands, I don't play any instruments, nor do I want to learn, I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce "Bon Iver", I don't know any songs, the only concert I've ever been to was Neon Trees, and I was way too sweaty to even enjoy any of it.
When people ask me what type of music I listen to, I'm always like, "Oh, uhh, whatever is on the radio?". Yeah.
So my question here is, I am alone? Is there anyone else out there that music doesn't really play a role in their life?
Thank you, Amen.
Also I really like this picture:

Keep Going

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill 

Not My Idol

I think an important part of growing up is finding people who you want to be like. 
An even more important part though, I feel, is finding people you will NEVER want to be like. 
Seeing both ends of the spectrum is really important in finding who you are. 
The following are people I hope I never even resemble in any aspect.
Or, I would rather die than become like them. 

         1. Zooey Deschanel -mostly because of this quote:

“Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep…feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.”

Being tender is beautiful?? Come on woman, your making the rest of us look bad. When I grow up I don't want to be viewed as someone who is "beautifully sensitive", or is moved by a freakin' tea kettle, I wanna be known for being strong and intelligent and good at what I do. NOT my "vulnerable heart". 

        2. My Aunt - and because this is a public blog, I wont get specific as to which side of the fam, or the name of said person. 

My aunt is one of those moms who you can just tell has spent one too many days in the dark, only talking to her crying infant. I mean, she SUCKS at talking to anyone over the age of 3. And she has forgotten all about what normal adults talk about, because her topic of conversation are usually diaper rash and her child learning the words of his body parts.... Yeah. 

       3. Mitt Romney

Look at that face, whats not to hate? But really, he is so incredibly tied to his religion that he cant see any other point of view. He thinks that everyone who doesnt think exactly like him is wrong, he's brainwashed. That kind of narrow-mindedness will get you into some serious trouble, and keep you from going places in life. 

Just Thought You Should Know

Today I went to Lagoon.
I went on Colossus for the first time, and passed out in the middle of the roller coaster.
When the ride ended, I was sitting unconscious in the chair.

Its quite funny, if you think about it.

Eh eh??

1. Life is too short to live with regrets.
2. Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.
3. You only get one life, but if you live it right, one is enough. 
4. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. 
5. You only live once. A.K.A, YOLO. 

Any or all of the above reason are why I'm buying a motorcycle. 

2012

Things I Have Accomplished in 19 Years

(in no particular order)

• Team captain of my high school state champion water polo team
• Got a drivers license
• Graduated high school
• Survived a year on a collegiate water polo team
• Finished a year of college, and survived living on my own
• Became certified as an EMT 
• Received and successfully held 4 different jobs
• Became certified as a lifeguard
• Practiced as an EMT 
• Learned the entire language of spanish, and then forgot it 
• Traveled to 7 different countries
• And most recently, learned to drive a stick-shift 

The Grass is Greener

Lately I've been thinking about people.
And I realized that I really don't care if people swear or drink or have sex or get tattoos or smoke or hate religion or get back-fat piercings.
All I really care about, is that they are a good person.
I know this kind of seems like common sense, but regrettably, I've lived most of my life with a very different mind set.
And I'd like to blame that on the fact that I grew up in Happy Valley Utah, or that I never knew anything different, but the truth is, I just never made an effort to believe otherwise.

But now, I really feel that as long as you are a good person, as long as you are kind and honest and understanding, as long as you stand up for what is right, or stand up for people that need your help, and as long as you can always put yourself in someone else's shoes, thats all that really matters to me.

Take Me Away

I need to go on an adventure.

Doing the same things day in and day out, living in this cookie cutter house and living this monotonous lifestyle is not where I belong.

I need to sleep under the stars, I need to swim in the ocean, drive on dirt roads, I need to wake up in the morning, and not know where I'll be sleeping that night.

I need to sit by a campfire, I need to go places where no one can find me, I need to explore things, and I need to get back my passion for life, that got lost somewhere in the midst of endless routines, and in even more endless housing payments.

I belong somewhere else, wherever it may be. But I don't belong here. 

Dont take me too seriously

Today I was thinking. A LOT. 

Most of it was about the juicy stuff that only my journal will ever know, but the rest was about what makes a boy, FREAKING HOT. 

Here we go:

• smart, as in, legitimately intelligent
• a really good driver, if he owns a motorcycle, that helps
• being really really funny
• athletic, golf and tennis DONT count
• knows how to tread water correctly... yeah, you read that right
• confident
• good teeth, and has mastered the art of the "you know you want me, smile"
• doesn't take rules too seriously
• adventurous, and willing to explore abandoned buildings with me
• good style, but not TOO good, or else things get femi
• hard worker, and driven
• being independently wealthy is always a plus...
• talented at everything he does
• good with kids, -which is weird cause I hate kids
• good laugh, like one of those deep manly laughs... I don't know... 
• SMART!... Did I say that.....? 

Thats not too much to live up to, right? Cause I mean, its this or 14 cats.... so ya know.

Not The Emotion

I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 
I want to apologize to a lot of people.
I know I let you down.

Sorry for hitting that parking cone, and using your debit card.
I'm sorry for lying all the time.
Sorry I complain so much, and manipulate you.
I'm so sorry.  I just love you, even though I dont show it.

Sorry for being awkward, and never telling what I was thinking.
Sorry for being so scared.
I'm sorry for losing your earrings.
Sorry for turning my back on everything that used to be good, and expecting it to be waiting for me, when I was done experimenting.
I'm sorry for being a bad example.

I'm sorry for letting you down, when you instilled so much of your hope in me.
I'm so sorry for not living up to your expectations.
Sorry for not being more careful in such a fragile time.
I"m Sorry for running away when I was afraid.

In this time when everything is in the "in between" stage, I only wish I could have made better decisions, and not only do I hope that you can forgive me, I hope I can forgive myself.
I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 

My Job

For many unknown reasons, I have chosen a job, in which, at any one moment,  am single-handedly responsible for around 12000 lives.

And at this unnamed place of employment, in the event of an emergency, the job hierarchy shifts, and puts me at the very top, to deal with such an emergency, alone.
Only me. Me and my 18 year old, small, scared, self.
I've never really thought about what that is going to be like. And it didn't even really hit me until a few days ago.
I've always tried to be perceived as someone who is strong, someone who could fully take care of themselves, and handle anything, and I've never been one to admit my weaknesses, but for the sake of putting all the cards out on the table: I'm scared. 
I'm so so scared. And I'm worried I wont be able to handle it.
Just knowing that even the smallest of mistakes could mean the life or death of a living human being, is like no pressure I've ever experienced before.
I cant screw up. There is no place for error in this type of job.
And if I were to do something wrong, I would have to live the rest of my life knowing that I could have saved that person. They would still be walking around, breathing and talking and living.

What I do know, however, is that I'm good at what I do. And I AM strong. But being strong is easy when you live a cushy life and have never been faced with anything more traumatic than having a car without air conditioning.

Last Night

Look well to this day, 

For it and it alone is life. 

In its brief course 

Lie all the essence of your existence:

The Glory of Growth 

The Satisfaction of Achievement 

The Splendor of Beauty

For yesterday is but a dream,

And tomorrow is but a vision. 

But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, 

And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Dont be proud of me.
Just know that I'm so sorry.

Nope.

This may just be my rebellious 18 year old ego talking, but
I NEVER WANT TO GET MARRIED. 
I'm serious. NEVER.
It just seems so ughhhhhhhhhhhh....
Being married means that every day for the rest of your life, you are gonna have to ask someone how their day was, and actually care, and actually listen.
Is that really a life you would choose for yourself? Not me.
It means that every time you have to leave the house, someone will ask you where you are going. And you actually have to tell them.
It means that you actually have to worry about someone else as much as yourself. You have to be willing to do absolutely anything for them, you cant have secrets anymore, and you have to... "talk".
You have to remember their birthdays and anniversaries, and actually buy stuff for them.
And you couldn't just go out and spend a ton of money with out talking about it first!
I mean, really. I do not see an upside.
And I am aspiring to bigger and better things than living with a ball and chain for the rest of eternity.

I only wish I had the courage to say this back when I was in Young Woman's, and we were making lists of our "ideal future companions"......

Camp WILD

A few years back... when I was 13, I went to Camp WILD... ahem, Wilderness Instruction and Leadership  Development.
            It was probably the best 2 weeks of my life, not because I'm a sucker for a good camping trip, or  because I love being in a place where you can easily go skinny dipping, but because of the people I met there.
I will never forget loading up in that big van at BYU with a bunch of misfits, and waving goodbye to my family as we headed off to good ol' Idaho. "I'm surrounded by idiots" was pretty much all I thought for the entire 11 hours of that drive. But somewhere between climbing the grand Teton, and successfully navigating our raft past "The Point of No Return", we became best friends.

We ran from bears and got scraped knees together. 
We laughed and cried and always slept with our sleeping bags in a tight little circle. 
We  used sticks as spatulas, and went skinny dipping whenever necessary. 
We hiked for 24 hours straight together, and swam in the "forever cursed" Allan Lake. 
We repelled off the side of mountains, and wrote our Wills in the sand. 
We hugged a lot, and threw rocks at each other even more. 
We brushed our teeth as a team by the light of the moon and ALWAYS sang "Wild Montana" before bed. 

These days I haven't really stayed in touch with my friends from Camp, but I learned a really important lesson when I was there.
I can make friends with anyone, ANYONE. And not just the "friendly, kind of, 'oh I tolerate them'" thing, like, LEGITIMATE FRIENDS. I hope I can always remember that lesson, cause if I never came to that realization, I would have missed out on knowing some really amazing people. 

Freshhh-Mannnnn

"And what have YOU gained from your freshman year in college?"


"Umm..... Truthfully? An empty bank account, a lot of free t-shirts and a new-found hatred of sharing a room with someone... thats about it." 

I keep flip-flopping between being overjoyed that I survived, and sad, that I spent the last 9 months mentally shooting everyone in the head, and hating my life while I sat in a dark room by myself all day.

Its sad, and yes, probably a little dramatic sounding. But now that its over and behind me, I'm done sugar-coating it. I'm done smiling and telling people that I "enjoy being at the U" or that "I get along with my roommate". 


Every decision I've ever made in my life has been mostly on emotion. I've always loved making huge decisions on a whim, and venturing into the great unknown, with no one at my side. That kind of stuff is my thing, and its always worked for me. And that's how I decided to go to school at the U. 
But this time has been the first where things didnt go well. They actually went pretty horribly, and because of that, I feel like life decisions are scary now, theyre something that I dont even want to think about. Because if even one of them were to turn out like my last one did, I dont think I could handle it. 

“There are hundreds of paths up the mountain, all leading to the same place, so it doesn’t matter which path you take. The only person wasting time is the one who runs around the mountain, telling everyone that his or her path is wrong.” ~Hindu proverb

Growing Up

Lately I've been trying hard to grow up.
I've been trying to act like the mature, level-headed, reliable, stable 18 yr. old adult that I am.
I mean, its about time, right? I'm already pretty much finished with my first year of college, and in 3 months I will be 19! I've been thinking that some serious growing up is in order.

But then, I was reunited with my old friend Carly.

Carly is my age, older than me by only 14 days. We graduated highschool at the same time, though from different schools. We met at work and instantly became inseparable friends.

However, I quit a while back and we kind of lost contact.
When I ran into her today I learned that she was pregnant with her second child, and due in June. Out of consideration for her daughter that was on the way, she decided to marry the father of her second baby. They were married in a very "last minute" ceremony, at a local church. Carly has been in and out of the hospital for the duration of the pregnancy. Because of her extremely petite body size, her body cant deal with the pregnancy very well.

It was great talking to Carly, and hearing from her after such a long time, but something was different. She seemed distant, and we didnt have that same connection we shared a while back. She told me that she was sad and angry that she had made the same mistake twice. And it went without saying, that Carly had to grow up, faster than anyone should ever have to.

It made me realize that I still have time, I still have freedom, I still have the option to do absolutley anything with my life. I still have time to make mistakes, to go crazy, to make dumb decisions, to experiment with things, to drive fast and take risks and do dangerous stuff and be spontaneous.

 I still have my youth, and growing up can come on its own time, but I have my whole entire life to be an adult, so, I dont think there is any rush.