Summer

Driving home from work with my windows down tonight.
A song on the radio, that was definitely one of the 8 songs Seven Peaks played on loop last season.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, its almost summer.

Tan skin, blonde hair, green grass, trees, and SHADE!!
Trampolines, staying out all night, shorts, stars, the 4th of July!
Tank-tops, swimming, lifeguarding, flip-flops, long boarding, sun!

Its what I've been waiting for since the last day of last August. Summer is really the only time I'm actually living. Any other time of the year, is just me set to auto-pilot, my eyes don't even open up all the way.

Right now, I just feel really really happy. 

New Perspectives

I Dont Know if Death is Funny

"You have to have a very dark sense of humor, to survive in the EMS profession." Words from my EMT instructor, good ol' Connie. She explained this to us on my first day of class. She told us that we will see horrific things, that we will have to deal with things that aren't healthy for any one person to deal with. She told us that being able to laugh about it, is the only way to stay sane, as an EMT.

I realized later on that everyone in this profession lives by that rule. Phrases such as "she was deader than shit", aren't uncommon among most of the EMT's that help teach my class. None of them are even phased by death anymore. They talk about the death of a once living, breathing human being like the rest of us might talk about the football game last night.

I decided on my very first week in that class, that I never want to become one of those people who laugh at death. 

It was just a few days ago though, after a wise crack from one of my instructors about a past patient dying in a drunk driving accident, did I realize that, I too, was becoming like them. The whole class thought it was pretty witty, and I was mid-laugh before I even realized what i was doing.

I was laughing at the death of a girl, who at one point had a whole life ahead of her, a girl who has a mother and a father, and brothers and sisters. I laughed when I should have considered the look on her mothers face when she found out her daughter was killed. I should have considered the pain her friends would feel, when they received that dreaded phone call, I should have considered the tears that would be shed at her funeral, I should have considered her family, and the anguish they felt when, one moment their daughter was pulling out of the drive-way, and the next, they were lowering her body into the ground. I should have considered those things, but instead, I laughed.

I dont want to be that person. I don't want to be that person who is immune to the reality of death. But I don't want to give up my dream of working in the medical profession either.
And I don't have an answer right now, I just don't know.

People

I don't really like people. 
I say that I hate them, cause it makes my Dad laugh, but the truth is, I just don't particularly like them.

What I really like is being alone. I love it, being alone is when I feel best about myself, its when I can actually think about things, its when I can totally enjoy life, and its being alone that has helped me find out who I am as a person.

Being this way comes at a price though. I have very VERY few close relationships in my life. It takes years, and I mean YEARS for me to open up to someone. I'm ok with that though, I just look at it like I'm keeping things simple.

And sorry that I don't go out of my way to make small talk with a friend of a friend's boyfriend's friend, or that I have to pretend to put your number in my phone, at least 5 times, before I actually do.  I can just recognize when a relationship is actually gonna stick. And usually, they don't.

I prefer  things to be like that, because when I actually find someone that I like hanging around, its real. Like, really real. None of that fake laughing, fake smiling, pretending to be interested, awkward conversing stuff.

Skinny-Dipping... Whaaaa??

If you have not been skinny-dipping before, you have not lived.
I'm serious. There is absolutely nothing better in life, nothing more fun, more exhilarating, nothing that makes better stories than skinny dipping.

The first time I ever went was when I was 14 years old, at Camp WILD. I went with 2 of my friends, we were on the main fork of the salmon river. We had planned the ordeal in great detail, we lined up our sleeping bags on the beach right next to each other. We all enthusiastically participated in the campfire meeting that night, and we all went to bed as soon as we could.

We all lay silently in the sand, waiting for even the snorers to quiet down. When the time was right, not a word was said, we all just knew it was show time. We crawled out of our sleeping bags and walked up stream for about 5 minutes.
We were quietly giggling when we got there. But it was the kind of giggling you do when you HAVE to be quiet, so everything is 4 times funnier than normal.

We started counting down from 3, then 5, then about 20, but finally we summoned the courage to just "strip and run." Diving into that river was probably one of the highest points of my life. And it sounds cheesy, but if you've never been, you cant understand it.

It was a full moon that night, and the water was just cool enough to give you goosebumps if you stood still for too long.
We swam around for about 20 minutes and then decided it was time to go back to our warm sleeping bags on the beach.
There were many times to follow, in lots of other rivers and the lake at girl's camp (yeah I'm bad), but that first time will always be the best.

And I should probably just end this post before I start bearing my testimony of how great it is to swim around naked in water.

Change

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore" - Christopher Columbus

Right now I feel like My life is in a constant state of change. Yet I'm always afraid to truly let go of the way my life was before.   I am scared to let things go, habits, people, things that used to be comfortable, and stable are now just things that are holding me back. 

I have big plans for my life, like BIG PLANS. But I know that reaching those dreams is never gonna happen if I still have one hand reaching for things that are familiar to me. 

I know what needs to be done for me to be successful, its just a really scary thought.

And like most things, easier said than done. 

A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for.  ~John A. Shedd

Solitude

Tonight is the most beautiful night I've seen since last summer. 

It was the first time I've been able to go outside at night this year, and not start shivering, get goosebumps, or see my breathe in the freezing air.

Every smell I encountered on my short walk from my dorm to the HC reminded me of last summer. Every time the breeze would blow on my face I was hit with a tidal wave of memories. All good memories of course.

Its nights like these that make me want to go climb up on a roof or find a totally hidden place, and just sit there, all alone, and listen to the world. Moments like those are my favorite. 

Unfortunately, I live on campus with a million other college freshman, and being "alone" is virtually impossible. But I would definitely rather be hidden away in some place that I can fully enjoy this night, than in this tiny, cramped room, with a roommate that I obviously have such a great relationship with. 

It Was A Rough Day...

Do you ever feel like you're babysitting everyone around you? Well I do.

Its like basically everyone in my life got together and decided "Ok, any time any one starts crying, or is upset, or wants to complain, or wants to gossip about the mean thing that other girl said, or needs a ride somewhere, or needs to be taken care of, or needs to yell at someone for an unknown reason, or needs money, or needs to be picked up at 3am, or needs advice about what to do in a fight they are having with their ex-bestfriend, GO TO LEAH!!". 

I mean, I'm all for helping people out in time of need, and listening to people when they are upset, but surprisingly, I really don't have any sympathy for you, when you come crying to me because someone called you a slut.... Like really, my honest advice would be "grow up and dot be so emotional." Even though I could never actually say that, cause I'm a good babysitter... 

But why am I the one that always has to hold my tongue, and sort through other peoples problems? I have  problems too! But I deal with them in a mature, and adult way, that doesn't involve complaining to everyone and their dog! 

My roommate for example, has yelled at me countless times this year, yet I am always the one calming her down when she's mad, and trying to keep her happy. Never have I retaliated against her, even though she probably deserves it. But I really just feel like I'm taking care of a new born baby, or a puppy or something! I have to constantly keep her happy, and keep her entertained, and talk to her in a nice calm voice, or she will just freak out. 

Hmmm, I dont remember signing up to be responsible for myself AND and a mob full of childish, melodramatic 5-year olds. 

P.S. I KNOW this makes me sound really mean, and arrogant, but.... ok maybe I am. 

Sundays...

True that, my friends. 

TRUE. THAT. 

I'm Moving to India

I'm moving to Visakaputnam, India.
Not right away, but pretty soon.

Why, you ask? I can only answer, why not?

No one in my family has ever been to India before, I know absolutely nothing about the country, I don't know anyone who is coming along, and the only thing that is certain about this trip, is that I know I'm ready.

Here I am, about to leave on possibly the biggest adventure of my life, with absolutely no idea what is going to happen. 

I'll be living in a town whose natives only speak Telegu, which unfortunately was not offered at Timpview... 

I'm sure the culture shock is going to be rough at first, but here I am, staring into a big black hole of uncertainty, not knowing what to expect, and I couldn't be more excited.

That type of mystery has always attracted me, and I have never been one to turn down an adventure. So here I go. I guess the hardest part will be taking the first step off the cliff, and I can always just build my wings on the way down.

Well Here Ya Go

"Michael O'Sullivan was my great friend. But I don't ever remember telling him that. The words that are spoken at a funeral are spoken too late for the man who is dead. What a wonderful thing it would be to visit your own funeral. To sit at the front and hear what was said, maybe say a few things yourself. Michael and I grew old together. But at times, when we laughed, we grew young. If he was here now, if he could hear what I say, I'd congratulate him on being a great man, and thank him for being a friend." -Waking Ned Divine

I've never been one to be particularly expressive, or communicate my emotions very well, so this quote has always hit home for me. 

If I did have the gift however, of telling people how I felt about them, (to their face at least) I would tell my family that I love them all more than anything (even water polo). I would thank them for always putting up with me, and teaching me so much about the real world. I would tell them that I could not have dreamed of a better family to be born into. 

I would tell my friends, Mary and Bekah, that I love them so much, and I would thank them for always being so patient and forgiving. I would thank them also for the years of crazy good times, and the countless occasions when we laughed till we cried... or threw up. I would tell them that I would not be the person I am today, without them in my life. And that I wouldn't have wanted to grow up with anyone other than them. 

Happiest Years of Your Life?

I feel really really bad for the sad sap in this picture. 

And yes, technically, it is me. But at the same time, its not. 

This picture was taken the day I left for college. I was angry cause I was stressed out, we were running late, and my Mom was being waayyyyyy too happy. 

And sure, the girl in the picture is tanner than me, and probably a little bit skinnier, but I do not envy her in the least. Mostly because I'd rather die than repeat the last year of my life. 

I have grown so incredibly much since that day, but it has truly been a torturous 8 months. 

I remember my last night in Provo like it was yesterday. I remember where I was, who I was with, and exactly what I was doing. I remember saying goodbye to them, and trying so hard to hold onto those last perfect moments as they slipped through my fingers like sand. Along with everything else in my life. 

Leaving for school meant leaving my friends, family, job, school, team, home, car, everything. 

I turned my back on everything that was good in my life, and traded it for an empty bank account, a small little room on the 2nd floor of Chapel Glen, a roommate that I have to babysit 24/7, days full of studying in the dark and eating every meal alone, and having to deal with drunken tools on a weekly basis. 

And even though I'm not that far away from home, when I visit, things just aren't the same. Just because I've been stuck in a rut for the last 8 months doesn't mean that everyone else has stopped living their life, and is waiting around for me. 

People that I was so close to at the end of last summer, barely even know how to talk to me anymore. 

With roughly 6 weeks left of my freshman year in college, I can only pray that I have happier years than this. 

Ode to Water Polo

Add caption

I love water polo more than anything else on this earth, more than any person or thing, more than food, more than air.

There are very few things that I am truly passionate about, but water polo is definitely on my list.

Words cant even describe the feeling I get when I dive into the water, and it only gets better from there.

There is absolutely nothing more satisfying than swimming until your muscles are about to explode, then beating the living daylight out of someone, nailing a spot-on shot, and then rejoicing to the smacking sound the ball makes when it hits the back of the cage. Everything about it is perfect.

There is no better feeling than the one I get when I am riding home from a game with my team, all crammed in some van or bus. Being so so tired, and sore, and having that sickly, yet satisfying stomach ache you get when you swallow way too much chlorine. Thats always when I'm at my happiest.

My first collegiate tournament

And even though I cant remember the last time there wasn't water in my ear, or a time when I didn't sweat chlorine, and my hair wasn't a tangled knot on the top of my head, I'll probably be religiously tied to water polo for the rest of my life. Its the most beautiful sport there is, and it just makes everything else in my life ok.

I am such a REBEL

For as long as I can remember, I've always had to do the exact opposite of what people tell me to do. 

Like, if someone tells me "You cannot touch that lamp", I have to touch the lamp! Even If I had no intentions of touching the lamp before hand. 

Its like a curse almost, If someone tells me not to do something, I have absolutely no choice but to do exactly what they told me not to. Just to make sure they know they cant control me. 

Even if I have to disobey them when they aren't there to witness it, I still have to do it. If I don't, I get that awful feeling, kinda like when you hold in a sneeze, or something, and it doesn't go away until I just break the rules. 

I know that being this way gives people (smart people at least) power over me. 

Because if someone told me to "keep breathing for the rest of your life" I honestly would try not to breathe, at least around them. -And thats probably an exaggeration, but you get the picture. 

And yes, being this way has gotten me into trouble before, like my freshman year of high school when I marched out of my spanish class, after I told Senor Skyles that "this is America, and I think I can go to the bathroom if I want to". 

Not to mention the countless fights with my parents. 

I've also run into trouble when I try and convince my friends that "your parents don't control what you do". -Surprisingly, that one has never gone over too well. 

Being this way definitely comes at a price, but I cant stop. And I know that people hate it, and it probably is the most immature part of my personality, but I cant change it, and why would I want to? 

Its just so much fun. 

I guess its just my way of making sure the universe knows that no one can control me. 

You Know the Kind.

I'm so glad I'm not one of THOSE girls. You know the kind.
Those girls that cry all the time, over big things or small things, over pain, or "bad days", anything.
Those girls that are clingy and needy and dependent, who don't know who they are, who have never gone more than a week without some guy at their side, or blowing up their inbox.
Those girls who say what they think everyone else wants to hear, and laugh just because everyone else laughs.
Those girls who need to vent, or talk about their feelings.
Those girls who start drama, who NEED drama, who cant stay out of drama if their life depended on it.
Those girls whose ultimate goal is to get married, who dream of their future husband day in and day out.
Those girls who cant leave the house without changing clothes 7 times, after putting on make up for 40 minutes.
Ya'll know the kind. And thank the Lord I am NOT one of them.