Deep Breath, Keep Going

Ignorance is definitely bliss. But, its still ignorance.
I spent the last few weeks missing those times when I really felt "alive".
But then, I got too much of it all at once, and not the good kind.

I'm so so glad this came at a time when I really know who I am, or else I don't know if I would be able to pull through.
But, I'm an adult now, and I'll take it like an adult.
At least thats what I keep telling myself.

10 Weird Things

1.  I have a nervous habit where i write everything I hear down on my thumb with my pointer finger. It kind of looks like I'm just rubbing those two fingers together, but I'm actually writing. If you know me well enough, you've probably seen me doing it. 
2. I truly love emergencies. I fantasize about  saving lives. 
3.  I have weird chunks of time, about once a year, where I get addicted to cinnamon. I crave it, I put it on everything, its all I can think about. My life revolves around eating cinnamon. Its been happening for as long as I can remember. 
4.  Every time I turn the light off at night, I have to do it 5 or 6 times before I feel ok about it. 
5.  I've seen every episode ever made of The Office, and Malcolm in the Middle. And I highly recommend both by the way. Thanks Netflix.
6.  I've never seen Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, or any other  Disney cartoon from start to finish.  
7. 8. I hate people. 
8.  For as long as I can remember I've always slept with my head at the opposite end of the bed that people would normally think to sleep at. 
9.  I've been skinny dipping 8 different times, in 4 different rivers, the lake at Girls Camp, and my latest addition to the list: the wave pool at Seven Peaks. 
10.  One time I stole and candle from an art store that was going out of business. And I DONT regret it. 

So I've Stopped Eating

So I've stopped eating.
I haven't owned my own shampoo in 5 weeks.
I've run out of gas in the middle of state street TWICE.
I go to school full time, AND I work 30 hours a week.
I'm pretty sure Collections has me on speed dial.

Yet I still cant pay my bills. I just cant. I literally have 7 cents in my bank account. How is anyone else surviving?? I honestly don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I just needed to vent for a second.

All emotional pain lasts for 12 minutes.

Anything longer than that is self inflicted. 

I read once that if we can separate ourselves from our minds, and watch its craziness, from the outside looking in, then we are no longer prisoner to our own bodies. 

I try it all the time, but I have yet to be able think that way. 

Am I Alone, Here?

So, I don't really like music.
And its weird cause everyone I know is like "Oh my heck music is my life", etc.
And then here I am, I don't know any bands, I don't play any instruments, nor do I want to learn, I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce "Bon Iver", I don't know any songs, the only concert I've ever been to was Neon Trees, and I was way too sweaty to even enjoy any of it.
When people ask me what type of music I listen to, I'm always like, "Oh, uhh, whatever is on the radio?". Yeah.
So my question here is, I am alone? Is there anyone else out there that music doesn't really play a role in their life?
Thank you, Amen.
Also I really like this picture:

Keep Going

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill 

Not My Idol

I think an important part of growing up is finding people who you want to be like. 
An even more important part though, I feel, is finding people you will NEVER want to be like. 
Seeing both ends of the spectrum is really important in finding who you are. 
The following are people I hope I never even resemble in any aspect.
Or, I would rather die than become like them. 

         1. Zooey Deschanel -mostly because of this quote:

“Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep…feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.”

Being tender is beautiful?? Come on woman, your making the rest of us look bad. When I grow up I don't want to be viewed as someone who is "beautifully sensitive", or is moved by a freakin' tea kettle, I wanna be known for being strong and intelligent and good at what I do. NOT my "vulnerable heart". 

        2. My Aunt - and because this is a public blog, I wont get specific as to which side of the fam, or the name of said person. 

My aunt is one of those moms who you can just tell has spent one too many days in the dark, only talking to her crying infant. I mean, she SUCKS at talking to anyone over the age of 3. And she has forgotten all about what normal adults talk about, because her topic of conversation are usually diaper rash and her child learning the words of his body parts.... Yeah. 

       3. Mitt Romney

Look at that face, whats not to hate? But really, he is so incredibly tied to his religion that he cant see any other point of view. He thinks that everyone who doesnt think exactly like him is wrong, he's brainwashed. That kind of narrow-mindedness will get you into some serious trouble, and keep you from going places in life. 

Just Thought You Should Know

Today I went to Lagoon.
I went on Colossus for the first time, and passed out in the middle of the roller coaster.
When the ride ended, I was sitting unconscious in the chair.

Its quite funny, if you think about it.

Eh eh??

1. Life is too short to live with regrets.
2. Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.
3. You only get one life, but if you live it right, one is enough. 
4. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. 
5. You only live once. A.K.A, YOLO. 

Any or all of the above reason are why I'm buying a motorcycle. 

2012

Things I Have Accomplished in 19 Years

(in no particular order)

• Team captain of my high school state champion water polo team
• Got a drivers license
• Graduated high school
• Survived a year on a collegiate water polo team
• Finished a year of college, and survived living on my own
• Became certified as an EMT 
• Received and successfully held 4 different jobs
• Became certified as a lifeguard
• Practiced as an EMT 
• Learned the entire language of spanish, and then forgot it 
• Traveled to 7 different countries
• And most recently, learned to drive a stick-shift 

The Grass is Greener

Lately I've been thinking about people.
And I realized that I really don't care if people swear or drink or have sex or get tattoos or smoke or hate religion or get back-fat piercings.
All I really care about, is that they are a good person.
I know this kind of seems like common sense, but regrettably, I've lived most of my life with a very different mind set.
And I'd like to blame that on the fact that I grew up in Happy Valley Utah, or that I never knew anything different, but the truth is, I just never made an effort to believe otherwise.

But now, I really feel that as long as you are a good person, as long as you are kind and honest and understanding, as long as you stand up for what is right, or stand up for people that need your help, and as long as you can always put yourself in someone else's shoes, thats all that really matters to me.

Take Me Away

I need to go on an adventure.

Doing the same things day in and day out, living in this cookie cutter house and living this monotonous lifestyle is not where I belong.

I need to sleep under the stars, I need to swim in the ocean, drive on dirt roads, I need to wake up in the morning, and not know where I'll be sleeping that night.

I need to sit by a campfire, I need to go places where no one can find me, I need to explore things, and I need to get back my passion for life, that got lost somewhere in the midst of endless routines, and in even more endless housing payments.

I belong somewhere else, wherever it may be. But I don't belong here. 

Dont take me too seriously

Today I was thinking. A LOT. 

Most of it was about the juicy stuff that only my journal will ever know, but the rest was about what makes a boy, FREAKING HOT. 

Here we go:

• smart, as in, legitimately intelligent
• a really good driver, if he owns a motorcycle, that helps
• being really really funny
• athletic, golf and tennis DONT count
• knows how to tread water correctly... yeah, you read that right
• confident
• good teeth, and has mastered the art of the "you know you want me, smile"
• doesn't take rules too seriously
• adventurous, and willing to explore abandoned buildings with me
• good style, but not TOO good, or else things get femi
• hard worker, and driven
• being independently wealthy is always a plus...
• talented at everything he does
• good with kids, -which is weird cause I hate kids
• good laugh, like one of those deep manly laughs... I don't know... 
• SMART!... Did I say that.....? 

Thats not too much to live up to, right? Cause I mean, its this or 14 cats.... so ya know.

Not The Emotion

I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 
I want to apologize to a lot of people.
I know I let you down.

Sorry for hitting that parking cone, and using your debit card.
I'm sorry for lying all the time.
Sorry I complain so much, and manipulate you.
I'm so sorry.  I just love you, even though I dont show it.

Sorry for being awkward, and never telling what I was thinking.
Sorry for being so scared.
I'm sorry for losing your earrings.
Sorry for turning my back on everything that used to be good, and expecting it to be waiting for me, when I was done experimenting.
I'm sorry for being a bad example.

I'm sorry for letting you down, when you instilled so much of your hope in me.
I'm so sorry for not living up to your expectations.
Sorry for not being more careful in such a fragile time.
I"m Sorry for running away when I was afraid.

In this time when everything is in the "in between" stage, I only wish I could have made better decisions, and not only do I hope that you can forgive me, I hope I can forgive myself.
I'm not good at talking, and I hate emotion. 

My Job

For many unknown reasons, I have chosen a job, in which, at any one moment,  am single-handedly responsible for around 12000 lives.

And at this unnamed place of employment, in the event of an emergency, the job hierarchy shifts, and puts me at the very top, to deal with such an emergency, alone.
Only me. Me and my 18 year old, small, scared, self.
I've never really thought about what that is going to be like. And it didn't even really hit me until a few days ago.
I've always tried to be perceived as someone who is strong, someone who could fully take care of themselves, and handle anything, and I've never been one to admit my weaknesses, but for the sake of putting all the cards out on the table: I'm scared. 
I'm so so scared. And I'm worried I wont be able to handle it.
Just knowing that even the smallest of mistakes could mean the life or death of a living human being, is like no pressure I've ever experienced before.
I cant screw up. There is no place for error in this type of job.
And if I were to do something wrong, I would have to live the rest of my life knowing that I could have saved that person. They would still be walking around, breathing and talking and living.

What I do know, however, is that I'm good at what I do. And I AM strong. But being strong is easy when you live a cushy life and have never been faced with anything more traumatic than having a car without air conditioning.

Last Night

Look well to this day, 

For it and it alone is life. 

In its brief course 

Lie all the essence of your existence:

The Glory of Growth 

The Satisfaction of Achievement 

The Splendor of Beauty

For yesterday is but a dream,

And tomorrow is but a vision. 

But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, 

And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Dont be proud of me.
Just know that I'm so sorry.

Nope.

This may just be my rebellious 18 year old ego talking, but
I NEVER WANT TO GET MARRIED. 
I'm serious. NEVER.
It just seems so ughhhhhhhhhhhh....
Being married means that every day for the rest of your life, you are gonna have to ask someone how their day was, and actually care, and actually listen.
Is that really a life you would choose for yourself? Not me.
It means that every time you have to leave the house, someone will ask you where you are going. And you actually have to tell them.
It means that you actually have to worry about someone else as much as yourself. You have to be willing to do absolutely anything for them, you cant have secrets anymore, and you have to... "talk".
You have to remember their birthdays and anniversaries, and actually buy stuff for them.
And you couldn't just go out and spend a ton of money with out talking about it first!
I mean, really. I do not see an upside.
And I am aspiring to bigger and better things than living with a ball and chain for the rest of eternity.

I only wish I had the courage to say this back when I was in Young Woman's, and we were making lists of our "ideal future companions"......

Camp WILD

A few years back... when I was 13, I went to Camp WILD... ahem, Wilderness Instruction and Leadership  Development.
            It was probably the best 2 weeks of my life, not because I'm a sucker for a good camping trip, or  because I love being in a place where you can easily go skinny dipping, but because of the people I met there.
I will never forget loading up in that big van at BYU with a bunch of misfits, and waving goodbye to my family as we headed off to good ol' Idaho. "I'm surrounded by idiots" was pretty much all I thought for the entire 11 hours of that drive. But somewhere between climbing the grand Teton, and successfully navigating our raft past "The Point of No Return", we became best friends.

We ran from bears and got scraped knees together. 
We laughed and cried and always slept with our sleeping bags in a tight little circle. 
We  used sticks as spatulas, and went skinny dipping whenever necessary. 
We hiked for 24 hours straight together, and swam in the "forever cursed" Allan Lake. 
We repelled off the side of mountains, and wrote our Wills in the sand. 
We hugged a lot, and threw rocks at each other even more. 
We brushed our teeth as a team by the light of the moon and ALWAYS sang "Wild Montana" before bed. 

These days I haven't really stayed in touch with my friends from Camp, but I learned a really important lesson when I was there.
I can make friends with anyone, ANYONE. And not just the "friendly, kind of, 'oh I tolerate them'" thing, like, LEGITIMATE FRIENDS. I hope I can always remember that lesson, cause if I never came to that realization, I would have missed out on knowing some really amazing people. 

Freshhh-Mannnnn

"And what have YOU gained from your freshman year in college?"


"Umm..... Truthfully? An empty bank account, a lot of free t-shirts and a new-found hatred of sharing a room with someone... thats about it." 

I keep flip-flopping between being overjoyed that I survived, and sad, that I spent the last 9 months mentally shooting everyone in the head, and hating my life while I sat in a dark room by myself all day.

Its sad, and yes, probably a little dramatic sounding. But now that its over and behind me, I'm done sugar-coating it. I'm done smiling and telling people that I "enjoy being at the U" or that "I get along with my roommate". 


Every decision I've ever made in my life has been mostly on emotion. I've always loved making huge decisions on a whim, and venturing into the great unknown, with no one at my side. That kind of stuff is my thing, and its always worked for me. And that's how I decided to go to school at the U. 
But this time has been the first where things didnt go well. They actually went pretty horribly, and because of that, I feel like life decisions are scary now, theyre something that I dont even want to think about. Because if even one of them were to turn out like my last one did, I dont think I could handle it. 

“There are hundreds of paths up the mountain, all leading to the same place, so it doesn’t matter which path you take. The only person wasting time is the one who runs around the mountain, telling everyone that his or her path is wrong.” ~Hindu proverb

Growing Up

Lately I've been trying hard to grow up.
I've been trying to act like the mature, level-headed, reliable, stable 18 yr. old adult that I am.
I mean, its about time, right? I'm already pretty much finished with my first year of college, and in 3 months I will be 19! I've been thinking that some serious growing up is in order.

But then, I was reunited with my old friend Carly.

Carly is my age, older than me by only 14 days. We graduated highschool at the same time, though from different schools. We met at work and instantly became inseparable friends.

However, I quit a while back and we kind of lost contact.
When I ran into her today I learned that she was pregnant with her second child, and due in June. Out of consideration for her daughter that was on the way, she decided to marry the father of her second baby. They were married in a very "last minute" ceremony, at a local church. Carly has been in and out of the hospital for the duration of the pregnancy. Because of her extremely petite body size, her body cant deal with the pregnancy very well.

It was great talking to Carly, and hearing from her after such a long time, but something was different. She seemed distant, and we didnt have that same connection we shared a while back. She told me that she was sad and angry that she had made the same mistake twice. And it went without saying, that Carly had to grow up, faster than anyone should ever have to.

It made me realize that I still have time, I still have freedom, I still have the option to do absolutley anything with my life. I still have time to make mistakes, to go crazy, to make dumb decisions, to experiment with things, to drive fast and take risks and do dangerous stuff and be spontaneous.

 I still have my youth, and growing up can come on its own time, but I have my whole entire life to be an adult, so, I dont think there is any rush.

Can You Feel The Love?

If any of you have ever wondered how I feel every time my roommate comes home, I have an answer for you.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDr0mPuyQc

Tonights Not the Night

Tonight is one of those nights, where you could pretty much just put my picture right next the dictionary definition of Poor College Student.
Tonight, after having both my debit cards rejected at the register, for the 4th time this year, and leaving the store embarrassed and empty handed, I had this for dinner.

(and ask me if I like tuna.....)

Then I went and sat here, because "she who shall not be named" was home, and listening to her shrill voice complain about life, just wasn't gonna happen tonight. 

I keep on telling myself, "just 3 more weeks, Leah! You can do it." But I don't want to do it, I want to rub my forehead against a cheese-grater, probably more than I wanna live up here anymore. 

Unfortunately, I AM a poor college student, so I couldn't even afford a cheese-grater. Even if I wanted one. 

Dear Journal

This is my journal.

I love my journal more than anything. This one little book contains every single secret I've ever had in my life. Every emotion I've experienced, every trial, every time that made me laugh is recorded in these pages. It holds every single thought that has ever crossed my mind since August 18th, 2011. 

The day I started this journal was the day I moved to Salt Lake. I wrote about leaving all my friends behind, leaving my job and my car and my family and about my water polo team reunion I went to the night before. 

I wrote about meeting my roommate, and hoping I would get along with her all year (HA!).

And I wrote about being scared to start college. 

Since that day, so many things have changed and I've documented every single thing that has happened in my life since then. 

I wrote about my first Frat Party... the one where I had to drag my roommates drunk boyfriend from Greek Row, all the way back up to Chapel Glen. 

I wrote about starting Water Polo, and how all the girls were so much better than I was. And our first tournament in Arizona. The one where I got food poisoning on the drive home, and had to spend the night in the hospital by myself. 

I've written about how madly in love I was, with those boys that will remain nameless.... And I wrote about how I had to get over them, and how much it SUCKED! (Still a little bitter...) 

I've basically written about every possible thing you could think of. And you could argue that this journal has been the one thing that has stuck with me during these past 8 months, but truly, I just love writing. 

And I must disagree with you, Alison DeLaurentis. Dying mysteriously, and leaving a beautiful corpse, isn't the only way to immortalize yourself. 

Looking Back

When I was 12 I thought I knew who I was. 
When I was 14 I thought I understood people.
When I was 16 I thought I knew how the world worked. 

Now, I'm 18.
And the only thing I know is that I was probably never right.  

Summer

Driving home from work with my windows down tonight.
A song on the radio, that was definitely one of the 8 songs Seven Peaks played on loop last season.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, its almost summer.

Tan skin, blonde hair, green grass, trees, and SHADE!!
Trampolines, staying out all night, shorts, stars, the 4th of July!
Tank-tops, swimming, lifeguarding, flip-flops, long boarding, sun!

Its what I've been waiting for since the last day of last August. Summer is really the only time I'm actually living. Any other time of the year, is just me set to auto-pilot, my eyes don't even open up all the way.

Right now, I just feel really really happy. 

New Perspectives

I Dont Know if Death is Funny

"You have to have a very dark sense of humor, to survive in the EMS profession." Words from my EMT instructor, good ol' Connie. She explained this to us on my first day of class. She told us that we will see horrific things, that we will have to deal with things that aren't healthy for any one person to deal with. She told us that being able to laugh about it, is the only way to stay sane, as an EMT.

I realized later on that everyone in this profession lives by that rule. Phrases such as "she was deader than shit", aren't uncommon among most of the EMT's that help teach my class. None of them are even phased by death anymore. They talk about the death of a once living, breathing human being like the rest of us might talk about the football game last night.

I decided on my very first week in that class, that I never want to become one of those people who laugh at death. 

It was just a few days ago though, after a wise crack from one of my instructors about a past patient dying in a drunk driving accident, did I realize that, I too, was becoming like them. The whole class thought it was pretty witty, and I was mid-laugh before I even realized what i was doing.

I was laughing at the death of a girl, who at one point had a whole life ahead of her, a girl who has a mother and a father, and brothers and sisters. I laughed when I should have considered the look on her mothers face when she found out her daughter was killed. I should have considered the pain her friends would feel, when they received that dreaded phone call, I should have considered the tears that would be shed at her funeral, I should have considered her family, and the anguish they felt when, one moment their daughter was pulling out of the drive-way, and the next, they were lowering her body into the ground. I should have considered those things, but instead, I laughed.

I dont want to be that person. I don't want to be that person who is immune to the reality of death. But I don't want to give up my dream of working in the medical profession either.
And I don't have an answer right now, I just don't know.

People

I don't really like people. 
I say that I hate them, cause it makes my Dad laugh, but the truth is, I just don't particularly like them.

What I really like is being alone. I love it, being alone is when I feel best about myself, its when I can actually think about things, its when I can totally enjoy life, and its being alone that has helped me find out who I am as a person.

Being this way comes at a price though. I have very VERY few close relationships in my life. It takes years, and I mean YEARS for me to open up to someone. I'm ok with that though, I just look at it like I'm keeping things simple.

And sorry that I don't go out of my way to make small talk with a friend of a friend's boyfriend's friend, or that I have to pretend to put your number in my phone, at least 5 times, before I actually do.  I can just recognize when a relationship is actually gonna stick. And usually, they don't.

I prefer  things to be like that, because when I actually find someone that I like hanging around, its real. Like, really real. None of that fake laughing, fake smiling, pretending to be interested, awkward conversing stuff.

Skinny-Dipping... Whaaaa??

If you have not been skinny-dipping before, you have not lived.
I'm serious. There is absolutely nothing better in life, nothing more fun, more exhilarating, nothing that makes better stories than skinny dipping.

The first time I ever went was when I was 14 years old, at Camp WILD. I went with 2 of my friends, we were on the main fork of the salmon river. We had planned the ordeal in great detail, we lined up our sleeping bags on the beach right next to each other. We all enthusiastically participated in the campfire meeting that night, and we all went to bed as soon as we could.

We all lay silently in the sand, waiting for even the snorers to quiet down. When the time was right, not a word was said, we all just knew it was show time. We crawled out of our sleeping bags and walked up stream for about 5 minutes.
We were quietly giggling when we got there. But it was the kind of giggling you do when you HAVE to be quiet, so everything is 4 times funnier than normal.

We started counting down from 3, then 5, then about 20, but finally we summoned the courage to just "strip and run." Diving into that river was probably one of the highest points of my life. And it sounds cheesy, but if you've never been, you cant understand it.

It was a full moon that night, and the water was just cool enough to give you goosebumps if you stood still for too long.
We swam around for about 20 minutes and then decided it was time to go back to our warm sleeping bags on the beach.
There were many times to follow, in lots of other rivers and the lake at girl's camp (yeah I'm bad), but that first time will always be the best.

And I should probably just end this post before I start bearing my testimony of how great it is to swim around naked in water.

Change

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore" - Christopher Columbus

Right now I feel like My life is in a constant state of change. Yet I'm always afraid to truly let go of the way my life was before.   I am scared to let things go, habits, people, things that used to be comfortable, and stable are now just things that are holding me back. 

I have big plans for my life, like BIG PLANS. But I know that reaching those dreams is never gonna happen if I still have one hand reaching for things that are familiar to me. 

I know what needs to be done for me to be successful, its just a really scary thought.

And like most things, easier said than done. 

A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for.  ~John A. Shedd

Solitude

Tonight is the most beautiful night I've seen since last summer. 

It was the first time I've been able to go outside at night this year, and not start shivering, get goosebumps, or see my breathe in the freezing air.

Every smell I encountered on my short walk from my dorm to the HC reminded me of last summer. Every time the breeze would blow on my face I was hit with a tidal wave of memories. All good memories of course.

Its nights like these that make me want to go climb up on a roof or find a totally hidden place, and just sit there, all alone, and listen to the world. Moments like those are my favorite. 

Unfortunately, I live on campus with a million other college freshman, and being "alone" is virtually impossible. But I would definitely rather be hidden away in some place that I can fully enjoy this night, than in this tiny, cramped room, with a roommate that I obviously have such a great relationship with. 

It Was A Rough Day...

Do you ever feel like you're babysitting everyone around you? Well I do.

Its like basically everyone in my life got together and decided "Ok, any time any one starts crying, or is upset, or wants to complain, or wants to gossip about the mean thing that other girl said, or needs a ride somewhere, or needs to be taken care of, or needs to yell at someone for an unknown reason, or needs money, or needs to be picked up at 3am, or needs advice about what to do in a fight they are having with their ex-bestfriend, GO TO LEAH!!". 

I mean, I'm all for helping people out in time of need, and listening to people when they are upset, but surprisingly, I really don't have any sympathy for you, when you come crying to me because someone called you a slut.... Like really, my honest advice would be "grow up and dot be so emotional." Even though I could never actually say that, cause I'm a good babysitter... 

But why am I the one that always has to hold my tongue, and sort through other peoples problems? I have  problems too! But I deal with them in a mature, and adult way, that doesn't involve complaining to everyone and their dog! 

My roommate for example, has yelled at me countless times this year, yet I am always the one calming her down when she's mad, and trying to keep her happy. Never have I retaliated against her, even though she probably deserves it. But I really just feel like I'm taking care of a new born baby, or a puppy or something! I have to constantly keep her happy, and keep her entertained, and talk to her in a nice calm voice, or she will just freak out. 

Hmmm, I dont remember signing up to be responsible for myself AND and a mob full of childish, melodramatic 5-year olds. 

P.S. I KNOW this makes me sound really mean, and arrogant, but.... ok maybe I am. 

Sundays...

True that, my friends. 

TRUE. THAT. 

I'm Moving to India

I'm moving to Visakaputnam, India.
Not right away, but pretty soon.

Why, you ask? I can only answer, why not?

No one in my family has ever been to India before, I know absolutely nothing about the country, I don't know anyone who is coming along, and the only thing that is certain about this trip, is that I know I'm ready.

Here I am, about to leave on possibly the biggest adventure of my life, with absolutely no idea what is going to happen. 

I'll be living in a town whose natives only speak Telegu, which unfortunately was not offered at Timpview... 

I'm sure the culture shock is going to be rough at first, but here I am, staring into a big black hole of uncertainty, not knowing what to expect, and I couldn't be more excited.

That type of mystery has always attracted me, and I have never been one to turn down an adventure. So here I go. I guess the hardest part will be taking the first step off the cliff, and I can always just build my wings on the way down.

Well Here Ya Go

"Michael O'Sullivan was my great friend. But I don't ever remember telling him that. The words that are spoken at a funeral are spoken too late for the man who is dead. What a wonderful thing it would be to visit your own funeral. To sit at the front and hear what was said, maybe say a few things yourself. Michael and I grew old together. But at times, when we laughed, we grew young. If he was here now, if he could hear what I say, I'd congratulate him on being a great man, and thank him for being a friend." -Waking Ned Divine

I've never been one to be particularly expressive, or communicate my emotions very well, so this quote has always hit home for me. 

If I did have the gift however, of telling people how I felt about them, (to their face at least) I would tell my family that I love them all more than anything (even water polo). I would thank them for always putting up with me, and teaching me so much about the real world. I would tell them that I could not have dreamed of a better family to be born into. 

I would tell my friends, Mary and Bekah, that I love them so much, and I would thank them for always being so patient and forgiving. I would thank them also for the years of crazy good times, and the countless occasions when we laughed till we cried... or threw up. I would tell them that I would not be the person I am today, without them in my life. And that I wouldn't have wanted to grow up with anyone other than them. 

Happiest Years of Your Life?

I feel really really bad for the sad sap in this picture. 

And yes, technically, it is me. But at the same time, its not. 

This picture was taken the day I left for college. I was angry cause I was stressed out, we were running late, and my Mom was being waayyyyyy too happy. 

And sure, the girl in the picture is tanner than me, and probably a little bit skinnier, but I do not envy her in the least. Mostly because I'd rather die than repeat the last year of my life. 

I have grown so incredibly much since that day, but it has truly been a torturous 8 months. 

I remember my last night in Provo like it was yesterday. I remember where I was, who I was with, and exactly what I was doing. I remember saying goodbye to them, and trying so hard to hold onto those last perfect moments as they slipped through my fingers like sand. Along with everything else in my life. 

Leaving for school meant leaving my friends, family, job, school, team, home, car, everything. 

I turned my back on everything that was good in my life, and traded it for an empty bank account, a small little room on the 2nd floor of Chapel Glen, a roommate that I have to babysit 24/7, days full of studying in the dark and eating every meal alone, and having to deal with drunken tools on a weekly basis. 

And even though I'm not that far away from home, when I visit, things just aren't the same. Just because I've been stuck in a rut for the last 8 months doesn't mean that everyone else has stopped living their life, and is waiting around for me. 

People that I was so close to at the end of last summer, barely even know how to talk to me anymore. 

With roughly 6 weeks left of my freshman year in college, I can only pray that I have happier years than this. 

Ode to Water Polo

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I love water polo more than anything else on this earth, more than any person or thing, more than food, more than air.

There are very few things that I am truly passionate about, but water polo is definitely on my list.

Words cant even describe the feeling I get when I dive into the water, and it only gets better from there.

There is absolutely nothing more satisfying than swimming until your muscles are about to explode, then beating the living daylight out of someone, nailing a spot-on shot, and then rejoicing to the smacking sound the ball makes when it hits the back of the cage. Everything about it is perfect.

There is no better feeling than the one I get when I am riding home from a game with my team, all crammed in some van or bus. Being so so tired, and sore, and having that sickly, yet satisfying stomach ache you get when you swallow way too much chlorine. Thats always when I'm at my happiest.

My first collegiate tournament

And even though I cant remember the last time there wasn't water in my ear, or a time when I didn't sweat chlorine, and my hair wasn't a tangled knot on the top of my head, I'll probably be religiously tied to water polo for the rest of my life. Its the most beautiful sport there is, and it just makes everything else in my life ok.

I am such a REBEL

For as long as I can remember, I've always had to do the exact opposite of what people tell me to do. 

Like, if someone tells me "You cannot touch that lamp", I have to touch the lamp! Even If I had no intentions of touching the lamp before hand. 

Its like a curse almost, If someone tells me not to do something, I have absolutely no choice but to do exactly what they told me not to. Just to make sure they know they cant control me. 

Even if I have to disobey them when they aren't there to witness it, I still have to do it. If I don't, I get that awful feeling, kinda like when you hold in a sneeze, or something, and it doesn't go away until I just break the rules. 

I know that being this way gives people (smart people at least) power over me. 

Because if someone told me to "keep breathing for the rest of your life" I honestly would try not to breathe, at least around them. -And thats probably an exaggeration, but you get the picture. 

And yes, being this way has gotten me into trouble before, like my freshman year of high school when I marched out of my spanish class, after I told Senor Skyles that "this is America, and I think I can go to the bathroom if I want to". 

Not to mention the countless fights with my parents. 

I've also run into trouble when I try and convince my friends that "your parents don't control what you do". -Surprisingly, that one has never gone over too well. 

Being this way definitely comes at a price, but I cant stop. And I know that people hate it, and it probably is the most immature part of my personality, but I cant change it, and why would I want to? 

Its just so much fun. 

I guess its just my way of making sure the universe knows that no one can control me. 

You Know the Kind.

I'm so glad I'm not one of THOSE girls. You know the kind.
Those girls that cry all the time, over big things or small things, over pain, or "bad days", anything.
Those girls that are clingy and needy and dependent, who don't know who they are, who have never gone more than a week without some guy at their side, or blowing up their inbox.
Those girls who say what they think everyone else wants to hear, and laugh just because everyone else laughs.
Those girls who need to vent, or talk about their feelings.
Those girls who start drama, who NEED drama, who cant stay out of drama if their life depended on it.
Those girls whose ultimate goal is to get married, who dream of their future husband day in and day out.
Those girls who cant leave the house without changing clothes 7 times, after putting on make up for 40 minutes.
Ya'll know the kind. And thank the Lord I am NOT one of them.